24th Century Salem
by auntiecat-sks21
Summary: “I am 100% human, I swear to it, I am just … different,” Ensign Julia Chapman said to Captain Picard from within a holding cell. Now she must prove it to Starfleet, and Counselor Troi. Chapman’s POV. Plot interwoven with season 4 episodes. Mild language.
1. The First Few Weeks

_Disclaimer: I don't pretend to own any of the Star Trek series. The credit of creating these fascinating worlds belongs originally to Gene Roddenberry, may he R.I.P._

_Author's Notes: I am still baffled by the Star Dates. I hope I have calculated them accurately, with some help of course. This takes place within and between episodes from the end of season 3 (right before The Best of Both Worlds part I) to the beginning of season 4, a span of about 6 months. The main story takes place within the gap between The Loss and Data's Day. What the Ensign documents in her personal logs may not fit exactly with what happened in the episodes because they are solely from her point of view. _

_I was also anxious to post this chapter, it being only my second fanfic, so I apologize in advance for any grammar and spelling errors I may have overlooked in my haste._

_Since these start out as personal logs, let me describe what Julia Chapman looks like: she's mid-20s age, very pale skinned but with lots of freckles, brown eyes and long auburn wavy hair that falls to about her waist, which she prefers to keep down. She's 5 foot 3 inches tall and weighs just over 100 pounds, a fact that Dr. Crusher is always commenting on. _

"_You're too skinny. You need some meat on your bones."_

_I always laugh. "I've tried for years to gain more weight. It doesn't work." _

_

* * *

_Chapter 1: The First Few Weeks

Ensign's personal log star date 43970.2

"Hello, my name is Julia Chapman._Ensign _Chapman. I am from the planet Earth, North American continent, the former USA, New York State to be exact. And proud of it? You better believe I am.

I just graduated from the Academy, number 7 atop my class on star date 43925.4. I am now aboard," I pause to add a dramatic effect, my grin widening in apparent suppressed glee, "NCC1701D USS _Enterprise_." I squeak excitedly. "I can't believe it! My first galactic assignment and it's aboard the _Enterprise _under none other than Captain Picard himself. Oh, I am so nervous. I begin helm duty tomorrow at 0800 hours. I hope I don't screw anything up my first day.

I just met my roommate briefly a few minuets ago. Ensign Andrea Masta. She seems very … nice. Perhaps a tad strange. Not that I'm entirely normal, mind you. In fact, I strive not to be and I would be the first to admit otherwise. I hope we can become friends. I have already met a few other crewmembers. I had to report to Cr. Crusher for my physical before I began duty. She has the most vibrant red hair I have ever seen. I love red hair, I sometimes wish mine were redder.

Anyway, she said I was in perfect heath, only my weight seemed to bother her. I understand that. Lieutenant Worf met me in the transporter room when I beamed over from Starbase 129. I have never seen a Klingon in person before. He's rather intimidating, but I'm sure it's only because I haven't worked with him yet. I've come to realize first impressions are never quite accurate. They're important, of course. It's best to make a good first one yourself, but one cannot portray themselves entirely within the first few seconds of introduction. Sometimes, even to attempt proves to be ill judgment." I open my mouth to continue, then stop and roll my eyes at myself. "Huh, listen to me, I'm rambling. I tend to do that sometimes. I suppose I find it important to explain myself so thoroughly in my logs for when I have children and grandchildren of my own, so that they can see what type of a person I was when I made them.

But I am so tired. I need to unpack and then get some sleep and I should probably try to meditate a little bit tonight to calm my nerves, but I am hesitant to, what with my roommate and all.

I should be all right. But first, I think I will have myself some chocolate. Mmm." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's personal log star date 43971.4

"Just got off my first day on duty. I got to meet the rest of the bridge crew." I count them out as I name each person, careful that I don't leave anyone out. "I had already met Lieutenant Worf, of course, Ensign Crusher, Data - he's an android, but if it weren't for his unnaturally pale skin and yellow eyes, you would never guess. Commander Riker - he is so tall, or rather I am so short. Counsellor Troi, she's half human, half Betazoid. Commander La Forge down in engineering - he has this thin band across his eyes but I'm not sure what it's for. And, of course Captain Picard. He even welcomed me aboard personally.

I was so nervous all day my hands shook. I was constantly afraid I was going to press the wrong button or hear the Captain's heading changes wrong, or report something incorrectly. I knew I should have meditated. Experience has taught me this same lesson time and time again, but do I yet listen?" I sigh. "Of course not. Perhaps I could do it on a holodeck, create the ideal environment. But I'm not sure how that would work, everything being created by force fields and holographic projections. I don't think my tools would have the same effect. I wish I could have brought them with me, but I was afraid of the questions they'd bring up. I could always replicate what I need and bring them with me _into _the holodeck. That might work. I'll have to give it a try. In fact, I think I will do it now. I don't want another day like today." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's personal log star date 43989.4

Tomorrow will complete my first week on duty and I haven't made any _big _mistakes … yet. Ha… knock on wood, right?" I search around for something made of real wood, then I remember my incense holder and I run to the drawer next to my bed and knock on it. "One can never be too careful.

Well, I really like it here." I adopt a sarcastic, overly cheery tone. "Working the helm on the main bridge can be very interesting when something exciting happens." I revert to normal speech again. "At least, that's what I'm hoping. So far it's been rather boring. We had been monitoring a Federation colony on Jouret IV. We arrived there today. The away team reported that the colony was _gone_. All those people, nearly a thousand. I hope we can find out what happened. What can we do about it, though?

Ah, well. We'll just have to wait and see. At least I'm not _as _nervous anymore. I've been making it a point to visit the holodeck for about a half hour every day before duty and it's really helping.

It also gives me a chance to record my dreams from the night before while they're still fresh in my memory. They have been very strange lately. More so than normal for me anyway. And I've noticed a definite recurring image: a white groping hand with black … vein … _things_, but I haven't the slightest idea what it could be referring to. I think it means something is coming, reaching for us…maybe. I think the colors are significant, though. I know, very helpful. Oh, well."

I hear the door to my quarters open and I turn in time to see my roommate walk in.

"Andrea, come here for a second." She walks over and bends down next to me in front of the panel. She is about my age and height with shoulder length, very curly brown hair. Her skin is as fair as mine, but without the freckles. "I am making a log entry. Say "hi" to everyone."

She looks at me, her eyebrows slightly raised. " 'Everyone'?"

"Watching my logs. In the future. You know, for when I become a famous Captain or Admiral and everyone watches my early logs as Ensign to see how I started out." Her eyes widen and she stares at me as if I have lost my mind, which sometimes I even admit openly that I never had one. I laugh. "Just kidding."

"Hi!" She waves energetically at the panel. She then talks to me. "You will have to explain _that one _later. I have to run. I'm already late for my big date with Daniel."

"That's right! I forgot." She walks away. "Have fun tonight!" I call after her. She peeks her head around the bathroom door and gives a sly grin. I laugh and return to my entry. "Andrea and I have become very quick friends, it almost seems to both of us as if we've known each other all our lives." I give a big yawn. "Huh, I need to get to bed." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's personal log star date 44001.5

I am very adrenaline-pumped excited as I begin this log. "I want to make this entry real quick before getting some sleep, if I can sleep at all after what all just happened. Oh, I can't believe it! The Captain is gone. We are currently undergoing some repairs after our recent battle and attempted fire from our main deflector dish so we can go after him and save him, if at all possible. He was abducted by the Borg and …"

I take a deep breath and let it out as a sigh. "I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning.

Well, now I know what my recurring image meant: the Borg. That's what was responsible for the destruction of that colony. I don't know too much about them, only that they are part human, part machine beings who are all linked into what is called a collective. The _Enterprise _first encountered them over a year ago in, I believe, the Delta Quadrant. I could be wrong.

I got to see them firsthand a few days ago, though. I was on duty on the bridge. We had gone to investigate a sighting of the Borg cube, that's the shape of their ship, an enormous, gray … _block_. I don't know how else to describe it.

They hailed us, well, the Captain specifically. They wanted him to beam over. Needless to say, he refused. They don't seem to like the answer 'no.' They locked on a tractor beam. We were just able to get away by disabling their beam emitter, but not before they breached our hull in engineering. We then entered a nebula cloud and used it to screen ourselves against the Borg's sensors. It was an effective strategy, it gave us the time we needed to make repairs and examine the attack for any weaknesses we could use to our advantage.

I'm not sure exactly how long we remained concealed. I had been relived and went to my quarters for some sleep, I knew I wouldn't be getting much for a while and I was right. Suddenly we started getting bombarded by some kind of energy charge. I'm not sure if it was something done by the Borg or if it had to do with the nebula, but we had to get out of there fast. Unfortunately, the Borg were still out there, waiting for us. They locked on their tractor beam again. Suddenly I heard phasers being fired, I turned around and there were a couple of, what I can only assume were Borg, standing on the bridge.

Strange looking creatures, they are. Their skin is deathly white and they have like," I hold my hands up and look at them as if I'm seeing on me what I saw on the Borg, "this black circuitry all over their bodies. One hand on each had been either replaced or covered by a weapon of some kind.

Worf was firing at them, but it wasn't doing anything. It's like they were blocking it. So Riker attacked one of them, but they just threw him out of the way like a doll. I ran over to see if he was alright. The blow seemed to have knocked the wind out of him, but he assured me he was fine. When I turned to return to my station, Worf was lying on the ground and the Captain and other Borg were gone. I can't believe they took the Captain.

Riker sent an away team over to the Borg ship to try to get them out of warp. Whatever they did, it worked. Just as they were about to return, they reported that they had found the Captain. He had been made into a Borg, I heard them telling Riker once they were back onboard. Shelby wanted desperately to go back, she argued with Riker about it." I grin. "Not a very smart thing to do. I wouldn't want to cross him.

The Borg hailed us again and the Captain addressed us as Locutus … of Borg. He said something about 'we would serve them.' I'm not sure what that meant. They want to conquer us? If they had wanted that, why didn't they do it earlier? Why did they make such an effort to capture the Captain and then to make him into one of them?

But then, Riker ordered Lieutenant Worf to fire on the ship. I couldn't believe it! We were going to kill the Captain! But fortunately - unfortunately? not sure which really - it fired, but didn't seem to have an effect. Then the Captain hailed us again and said that our resistance was futile, that all his knowledge of Starfleet and the _Enterprise _was stored in the Borg's collective.

The next thing I knew, Commander Riker was informing everyone onboard that he was taking over as Captain. Starfleet must consider Captain Picard dispensable. We're not even going to try to get him back? It's horrible, to have lost such a great captain in this way. I can't even begin to imagine what he's feeling right now. Is he being coerced? Is he still even Jean-Luc Picard? He called himself Locutus. What does that mean?"

I sigh. "It's going to be nearly impossible trying to fall asleep with all these questions floating around in my mind. But I have to try. We only have about … well no less than 7 hours until repairs are complete, then Captain Riker will need all hands on deck. I just hope we can find an alternative and save Captain Picard." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's personal log star date 44012.3

"Well, we have Captain Picard back, alive, in one piece, and as a human again.

Once repairs were complete, we immediately set a course to meet up with the fleet assembled just outside sector 001, in which Earth is located.

It's strange, from what I was overhearing, everyone on board expected this encounter to be disastrous. Either we would be destroyed by the Borg or captured and assimilated - made into a Borg, that is - just like Captain Picard. At one point, I entered a turbo lift on my way to the bridge and there were 3 officers - one man and two women, I'm not sure of their names - all talking about it. One of the women, a lieutenant, asked me what I thought. I said I honestly didn't know.

'Commander, sorry, _Captain _Riker seems like a man who is strongly motivated and driven. I can't see him easily giving up the Captain. Why? Don't you trust him?'

She replied, 'Of course I _trust _him. I just doubt that anyone can truly protect us from the Borg.'

I hate now to admit it, but I felt the same way. The Borg do seem exceptionally strong and incredibly strategic.

When we had reached the coordinates of the fleet, all we found was a graveyard of destroyed ships left in the Borg's wake.

But that's not to say Riker didn't have a few tricks of his own up his sleeve.

He made Shelby his temporary first officer. I have noticed some … tension between Commander Riker and Lieutenant Commander Shelby. She originally came on board to aid in creating a defense strategy against the Borg. She seemed a little cocky, in my opinion and she completely ignored me. I hate it when people overlook me as insignificant.

Anyway, he took command of the battle bridge and she of the saucer section, which they then separated. I remained onboard the main bridge on the saucer section. Both sections fired on the Borg ship, their plan was to keep the Borg ship occupied so that a shuttle carrying Worf and Data could penetrate their force fields, beam on board and retrieve the Captain.

The battle disabled our section, but when we expected the Borg to attack and destroy us, they just … left.

Once we reconnected the two sections of the ship, we followed the Borg toward sector 001. Unfortunately, it was predicted that we would arrive too late. Meanwhile, Data was attempting to gain access to the Borg's collective consciousness via the Captain's Borg subspace processors. He succeeded. That got the Borg's attention. They were still dependant on him. Dr. Crusher, who was with Data in his lab, suggested that the Borg couldn't cut off their link to the Captain. Riker suggested Data try to plant a command into the collective. He tried, but couldn't gain access. As a last resort, Riker ordered to set a collision course. At the last possible second - a very close call - Data succeeded … in putting them to sleep.

I'll tell you, those few minutes when they were slicing into our hull again - with the computer's multiple warnings and distracting beeps, the ship almost constantly quaking under the strain … seemed to drag. We were all afraid we would be destroyed any second. I could hardly think straight. All that kept coming to mind were thoughts of my friends and family. I know, pathetically typical, but when you think you're about to die, you can't exactly control your thoughts and emotions. At least I can't yet, considering this was my first ever brush with death.

The quiet that followed - a sigh of relief, I guess it could be described as - was slightly eerie. We all seriously wondered if that was really the end. Riker sent over an away team to confirm that the Borg were indeed _asleep, _then left the bridge to check on the Captain.

Once the away team was back, we moved away just in time before the cube exploded. I guess what happened was that it activated a self destruct sequence in response to it's malfunction. Who would have thought that it would be as simple as putting them to sleep?

So," I sigh, "the Captain has resumed command, Riker is first officer again and Shelby has disembarked. I was honestly not sorry to see her leave.

We are now docked at McKinley station undergoing repairs. Some of the crew have taken leave of the ship to visit friends and relatives on Earth, my roommate being one of them and the Captain too from what I hear, but I am staying on board. I am not homesick yet. I barely left Earth a few weeks ago.

I am excited though, because my Mom is beaming aboard. I haven't seen her since my graduation from the Academy on star date 43925.4 and I'm eager to show her around the ship."

Over the intercom, I hear, "Chief O'Brien to Ensign Chapman."

I tap my badge to respond, "Ensign Chapman here."

"Your mother has just signaled to beam aboard."

"Thank you! I'm on my way."

"Would you like me to wait until you're here?"

"Please! That would be great! Thank you." I tap it again to end the transmission.

"I'm so excited! She has never been off the North American continent before, let alone aboard a galaxy class star ship. I gotta go!" (end log)


	2. New Friends

Sorry it took so long for this chapter. I don't have them written out in advance like my last story so it might be a bit between postings. Once it gets near the climax, they will come quicker.

_**Chapter 2: New Friends**_

Ensign's log star date 44049.4

"This has been an … interesting week, to say the least.

Mum transported back to Earth about an hour ago. We both cried. I guess I never truly realized how much having her near meant to me …" I start to cry again, but I fight not to, "until the thought of … of leaving her behind …" I can't control it any longer and I just let it all out for a minute.

"I'm sorry. I guess the thing I am having the most trouble with is that I don't know when, or even _if_, I will ever see her again. Its all part of the Starfleet career package, I guess." I wipe away the final tear and reach for something on the floor next to my seat. "She brought me, though, something that has already helped me greatly since she left." I laugh, embarrassed. "It may seen rather childish, but …" I hold up a little burgundy teddy bear. "Her name is Angela, we connected the moment I touched her and she told me that. She wouldn't tell Mum. I love stuffed animals. Hardly a night goes by that I don't sleep with one. When I hug them close to me, I am pouring a ton of love into them brought on by the thoughts of the person who gave it to me. It not only makes me happy, but them as well as they receive the love. Then, when I feel sad or lonely or scared, I just squeeze them even tighter and it's like I am squeezing out some of that love. They don't mind and it certainly doesn't hurt them, they are always happy to give back some of that love when I need it most. Of course, I always give them more love than I take back."

I hold the bear out in front of me and stare at her, then I turn her around and place her in my lap "I know, not very becoming of a Starfleet ensign to sleep with and cuddle a teddy bear, I honestly wish it were a man I could cuddle with, a boyfriend … I haven't really had the time to meet anyone new yet. I am hoping to in these last few weeks of repairs, though. I am just very … picky, choosey about the men I date. Too bad the previous ones proved to be bad apples. The last one, Adam, seemed so nice at first, but I realized a little late that it was all just an act, and I enjoy the theatre but not that kind of acting. I have to credit his performance though, I'd say it'd warrant a standing ovation.

One of the advantages, though, about being on a starship as opposed to back at the Academy, most of the men here are much more mature and responsible then the Academy cadets. And they are _almost _all very intelligent, the main quality I search for, even before looks. Basing an opinion of a man purely on looks is so … uh … so, grrr, what's the word? Insubstantial? Ex - ah, oh something. I hate when I can't think of the right word and its nearly on the tip of my tongue. This is going to bug me all day now. But you get the idea. I have to get to know someone first, their personality, look into their eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, which is so true. Maturity is a definite must for me, however. Which is probably why I tend to avoid men my own age, I prefer them older.

Its funny, something I just remembered. I met Guinan the other day down in Ten-Forward where she works as bartender. I was just sitting there, reading my latest book, drinking an iced tea when she came over and asked to join me. She asked why I was sitting by myself. I told her it was because my roommate was on duty. She kind of looked at me and asked about my other friends. I told her I didn't have any yet, that I was still rather new on board. We chatted for a while. I like her, she's very intuitive, more so than even I could ever become. My guardians took a liking to her almost instantly. It almost makes me wonder if she is like me. I'm not sure though, can alien species be witches? But I'm sure they wouldn't use that term. I know some of them possess the same or similar abilities. But I'm not about to ask, that's for sure. I'm not sure how people these days, what with all the technology, would react to … well, someone like me if they knew of my abilities. I'd imagine they'd be more open to the possibilities than a few hundred years ago, but I don't really wish to find out. I realize that's something best kept to myself."

I glance at the time on the panel to my right. "I had better get going. Andrea and I are meeting some friends of hers in Ten-Forward. I am taking Guinan's advice. I'm going to make myself some new friends tonight." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's log star date 44051.5

"I had a lot of fun last night. Andrea and I met four of her friends in Ten-Forward. Let's see. I hope I get their names right, I am terrible at remembering people's names: there was a married couple from engineering: the Potts, Marie and Alex. Andrea's boyfriend, Daniel from security. And Drake Grisham, but I don't remember where he works. They are all in their early 30s. We hung around Ten-Forward for a few hours talking, then the Potts had to return to their quarters to put their sons to bed. I hope I get to meet them, I love children. I hope to be able to volunteer in the nursery and school soon, but so far I haven't found the time yet.

They all were very nice. But it almost seemed to me as if they were trying to set Drake and I up. We were the only singles in the group. I'd really rather people wouldn't do that, I don't like being hooked up by others. They almost never possess the qualities I am looking for. I prefer meeting people on my own, even though I don't usually do very well on my own.

Drake is such a practical jokester. He's always laughing and making the rest of us laugh along with him. He's so random though. We could be talking about something as boring as … like reactor coils, and he'll just pop off something out of the blue about Vulcan humor, which I'd imagine they really don't have much of. It'd probably be considered illogical to laugh. But it's just something so off-topic you can't help but laugh.

They mentioned some kind of ski program they are planning to run later in the week and they invited me to come. I said that I'd like to, but I really don't know how to ski. But I think I might go anyway, there might be a skating rink there as well and I would love to go ice skating. And maybe I could learn to ski, too. Drake said he'd teach me. Should be interesting." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's log star date 44085.9

"We are en route to the nearest star base. A little boy, the youngest of Marie and Alex Potts who have just gone on sabbatical, is very sick. I'm not sure what happened. Andrea took me down to sick bay when she went to visit him. His name is Willie and he is 9-years-old. She tells me he is normally a very happy boy and gets along well with his older brother, Jake, but he was so melancholy. It can't be fun for a little boy to be confined in a sick bay quarantine. Dr. Crusher expects he will recover fine once we get him to the base's medical facility, she doesn't have the necessary instruments on board to facilitate his recovery. I hope we get there in time.

On a happier note," I laugh meekly, "Drake was able to teach me to ski, it's more complicated than I expected. You have to walk a certain way, be sure not to cross the skies, even standing back up after a fall is something new and complex you have to learn. I liked the hills, though I only did the beginner ones. I would be scared to death to even attempt some of the ones he and the others did. I just watched. But mostly, Drake stayed with me and helped me while the others went off to do their thing. He is really, really nice. He even went ice skating with me. And …" I blush slightly, "we have a date tomorrow. I am so excited! Let's see what happens." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's log star date 44088.3

"Well, that date went well enough. I just got back, but … I don't know. He seems … different one on one. I mean, more so than yesterday. There's just something about him that seems a bit off, not like psychotic or anything, … but, from what I could tell, he's hiding something. It could prove to be nothing at all, but I couldn't really tell, and I've learned rather the hard way to listen to my instincts. Also, I couldn't read too much in his eyes, they are veiled in some way and that is a bit unnerving. He wants to get together again, but I'm not sure I want to be alone with him. I think for now it would be best to get to know him along with the rest of the group. Now I just have to tell him that." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's log star date 44090.5

"We arrived at the star base medical facility, finally. For a bit it was questionable whether we would in time. Lt. Commander Data commandeered the entire ship and cut off all bridge access and command functions. We ended up around a planet in the sector opposite to where we were heading. A team was sent to the surface to retrieve Data. It turns out his creator had activated some sort of homing device.

But, no great harm done, I suppose. Willie is expected to make a full recovery, we arrived not a moment too soon. His parents have rejoined the ship, a little earlier than planned. They are all happy to be back together.

I told Drake, by the way, what I thought. He seems okay with it, he said he wasn't really expecting this to take off immediately and that he understands. I hate having to tell guys stuff like that. Andrea told me it was for the best, that he really is a nice man, he only has a few major issues he is trying to address at the moment. And also that they weren't trying to hook us up, it just happened to be a coincidence. She didn't go into details and I didn't ask, it's none of my business. If he wanted me to know, he would have told me himself.

Other than that, things have been going great. I really feel like a valued member of the bridge crew now. They all seem to have accepted me fine. And I really enjoy my on duty time. It's interesting, all the conversations you pick up on from everyone else. It's hard not to listen. I like that I am normally stationed up front so they can't see when I smile at some of the comments and jokes they make. Commander Riker is the worst of the lot. Data has caught me smirking a few times and I just shake my head at him. He seems confused when I do that, his not being able to understand human emotions, humor in particular.

I have also very quickly grown to respect many of them, which for me is something that doesn't come easily. Normally it takes a while for someone to gain my respect, but not for the Captain, Commander Riker, Counselor Troi, Data, Worf, even Lieutenant La Forge, though I only work with him once in a while. They all have been doing this for so long together and they work so well as a team, I thought it would be difficult to gain acceptance, but it really didn't take long. I am trying to prove to them, beyond a doubt, that I can be relied on and trusted. I think they are beginning to realize it. I can't really explain how I know this, I can just feel it.

But there's something else, I can't yet put my finger on it. I am always excited about going on duty, but I've realized its more than just work." I become lost in my thoughts and stay quiet for a minute before snapping out of it. "Sorry. My mind is going a thousand miles a second, but I don't even know about what. Maybe I should go spend some time on the holodeck, to clear my head, otherwise I will never be able to go to sleep tonight." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's personal log star date 44125.1

"Nothing much has been happening lately, just routine stuff. Andi and I have really been getting to know each other. We've stayed up late just about every night talking, except on nights she has a date with Daniel. Things between them are really going great, they make a cute couple and they seem perfect for each other. I only wish I could find someone as compatible for me. It's really frustrating for me, having met so many men who I had liked at first, only to find out what they are really like, and it usually isn't good. To go from being excited that I've finally found someone to being disappointed as often as I have is disheartening.

Anyway, Tomorrow is my 27th birthday. No big deal really, birthdays for me really never have been. Mum used to always make a big deal of them, always asking if I felt any different being another year older. Honestly, it's just like any other day, I don't feel much different day to day. It's when I go back through old journal entries that I can truly see how much I have changed.

My writing has certainly improved. I have been working a lot on my most recent story. I've based it on a dream I had quite a few years ago, but I still remember most of it quite clearly because the images and emotions associated with it are rather … disconcerting. I also still have the journal entry documenting the original dream the day after I had it. It's by no means the happiest story ever written, in fact it's quite the opposite. It's got a plot line that delves deep into one's psychological self. Mine, actually. But its something I don't think I would ever want read. The reason I'm writing it is more for self examination and discovery than anything else and the content is very personal in nature.

So that's been keeping my mind busy. I have also volunteered a few days last week in the school. The kids are all so wonderful and they seemed to have taken a particular liking to me, better than any other volunteer from what the teacher tells me. I hope to be able to go at least twice a week from now on. Jake Potts, who is one of the children there, has been really down lately. He still feels guilty for what happened to his little brother, Willie, who remains in quarantine, just to be sure. Dr. Crusher told Marie and Alex, their parents, that they will release him in a few days, once they are sure all the tests prove negative for any lingering infection." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's log star date 44129.6

"I don't believe those friends I have!" I laugh. "They are mischievous little sneaks, but I love them! They planned a surprise party for me in mine and Andi's quarters tonight. Andi had convinced me to join her on the holodeck after I got off duty. We went swimming in Lake George, a tourism town I used to love visiting when I was younger. And when we got back, Daniel, Alex, Marie and Drake nearly scared the hell out of me. But it was a pleasant surprise. They certainly kept it well hidden. It was a lot of fun. I couldn't have asked for better friends.

Andi and Daniel have gone back to his quarters, so I have the room to myself for a while, which is always nice. I will be able to meditate here before going to bed." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's log star date 44148.3

"The Captain was stabbed last night by a human teenage boy we had rescued off a Talarian training vessel.

From what Daniel, a member of the security team who responded to sickbay's call, told us, he dislikes women and doesn't recognize their authority, so the Captain took him under his wing, so to speak.

What's strange is that I saw this boy last night in Ten-Forward. He seemed happy enough.

Another Talarian ship met up with us and we beamed on board their Captain, but it didn't go too well. When he left, it was with the intention that we would be going to war if we did not return his son, this human boy. It was certainly a shock to see Captain Picard walk onto the bridge so soon after the attack. He said that what had happened was a result of Jono's, that's the boy's name, confusion and conflicting emotions. He had been raised by the alien Captain, but now we felt it was necessary to return him to his true family. Only that proved to be the mistake. We did return him, but to his alien father.

I have never seen that side of Captain Picard before. I wonder if he has any children of his own? I'll bet he's an excellent father. But he always seems so … solitary. I don't think he has a wife or children. I wonder if he's ever lonely." (end log)


	3. Lonely

_Sorry that it took so long for me to post this chapter, I've been rather *cough* busy with … other things the past few weeks. And again I'm not sure how long it will be until my next one, so bear with me._

**Chapter 3: Lonely**

Ensign's personal logs star date 44152.8

"I've had an unusually lot of off duty time lately, but I have been making good use of it. When ever I'm off duty, though, it seems like everyone else is on, so I've had a lot of time to myself.

I've been volunteering more in the school. I love working there. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to leave. But when I'm not there or on duty, I've been thinking a lot. Too much, perhaps. I find myself feeling more and more lonely. When I go to Ten-Forward, I look around and all I see are couples. I've also been trying out some of the holodeck programs, but they are hollow pursuits and don't seem to fill the emptiness.

I've gotten like this before, but that was a longtime ago, _years _ago and I thought I had resolved all the issues that caused it, but I guess I was wrong. I can't explain it: why after all this time am I getting like this _again_? There is one issue left unattended, one that I cannot simply fix: I want to be a mother. I want a baby. But a few things are required before that can happen and those things take time. I haven't gone on a single date since that one with Drake.

But more presently, and possible, I want someone to talk to. Sure I have Andi and everyone else, but of that group I feel like an outsider, like I am not meant to be a part of it. They have been friends for a long time and I feel like I am intruding.

I just want someone of my own, a boyfriend. Not romantic, necessarily, just a friend. Someone who will accept me for who I am and listen and not pass judgment. But my sights are always set too high and no one could ever hope to meet all my expectations. Well, there is one, but … Oh, what am I thinking! I'm ridiculous! It could never happen."

I sigh and roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Think positive, think positive. Whatever!" (end log)

* * *

Ensign's personal log star date 44161.7

"I got a subspace message from Mom earlier today. She has been taking care of my cat, Sweetie Pie, since I left Earth, but she apparently hasn't been taking it very well. She misses me. Her and I share a special bond and I have missed her as well, but I wasn't sure if pets were allowed, so I left her behind. Mom said that she's become very temperamental and won't even let Mom touch her and she's not eating. She hates being separated from me like this.

I went to Commander Riker and asked about pets. If they remain confined to their owner's quarters and aren't disruptive, he said they were permitted. I then asked if I would be allowed to transport her from Earth and he said it would be fine as long as it didn't interfere with our mission headings.

So I have been searching through transport schedules this morning and found the most direct route to intercept us. I contacted every vessel and most of them have no problems with transporting a cat for me, there was just one that insisted on a means of payment. Damn Ferengi!" I mutter under my breath. "It took me a while, but I did manage to work out a deal with them that they found satisfactory … enough. All I have to do now is contact Mom and have her prepare Sweetie Pie. I hope everyone takes good care of her. And, if all goes well, I should have her with me in less than a week. I just hope she doesn't resent me for how I got her here.

It will be wonderful to have her with me again. For her to sleep with me, curled up on my legs. I've missed that. And, strangely enough, the way she annoys the hell out of me, meowing for food."

I pause as a new thought occurs to me. "I hope Andrea doesn't mind! I hadn't even thought of asking her. I'll have to remember the next time I see her, probably tonight." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's personal log star date 44172.2

"Sweetie Pie is on her way. There was a couple days delay until the first transport vessel arrived at Earth, but she is now on board the first of 3 vessels. We had a bit of a delay and had to return to star base 133 after we had been there for a scheduled crew rotation and I'm afraid that will set us at odds with her scheduled transport. So I am a little nervous. It was something about Dr. Crusher being trapped in … something having to do with the warp engines, but I don't know too much about it.

The crew schedules had been off kilter for a while after the crew rotation at star base 133, it seemed like everyone who remained on board was on duty at odd hours compared to normal and as a result I had been alone a lot. But now that things are back to normal, it just doesn't feel right. When I am alone, I want company. When I am with everyone in Ten-Forward or in one of our quarters, I want to be alone. Andi commented on my melancholy mood the other day, but I really didn't know what to tell her, so I just said I was tired, which wasn't exactly a lie. I haven't been sleeping well lately either and I think she's noticed. I just don't want to go to sleep. I've wondered if this could be depression and if I should go see Counselor Troi, but I really don't think she can help me. I've had borderline depression before, so it wouldn't be anything new, but I really don't want to go through that emotional roller coaster with a therapist again." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's personal log star date 44197.6

"It's funny. I've been reading through some old journal entries from before I entered the Academy to help me with my story since the main character is based off me. I had forgotten about a lot of that stuff, I'm glad I kept such consistent entries. I have never been good at forming any kind of daily habits; working out daily, or keeping a daily journal. Even daily meditation was difficult to start, but when I finally learned how much of an improvement it makes on my overall mood, it quickly got better. I guess with my journal, it's different. If something major happens, I want to record it while it's fresh in my memory. Later when I reread it, I recall how I had forgotten something.

Like a big portion of my entries for about 2 months when I was 20 is devoted largely to my Mom's last husband. And my records of all his 'shortcomings' are rather extensive. One of his biggest things was respect. He was constantly yelling that we, or rather I when I had no choice but to move in with them for a bit, showed him no respect. I told him that I only show respect, same with trust, to those who earn it. He never did earn any of that from me and I was so happy when she got rid of him. He was majorly abusive, not entirely physically either, more emotionally and psychologically. I will never tolerate a man like that, I think that is why I am so cautious when it comes to men. I want to be sure early on that he won't be like that, only it's sometimes hard to tell. It was like that with George when Mom first started dating him. He was a real charmer. But things with them were moving too fast. I was still a teenager at the time and hadn't yet honed completely into my instincts and intuition - not that I am entirely honed now - when Mom told me they were getting married. I couldn't believe it when she told me that. She had only known George for three months. I told her to wait, that she couldn't possibly know him that well yet, but she didn't listen. She told me later on, after he revealed his true character and all the problems started, that I was right and that she should have listened to me.

Now that I think about it, it was _similar _with my Dad. He just wasn't so hostile, he was more subtle. I guess while I was growing up he had tried to be controlling of me, but Mom wouldn't let him. But he did form a huge rift between us, him and I. He was completely devoted to his work, too much so. He designed buildings, an architect. Once he moved his office into the house, he started spending all his time in there from early morning until late at night, even the weekends. He and I used to have one night every week that we would do something. To have to _plan _to do something with your daughter is rather pathetic, in hindsight. Mom and I were always doing stuff together, she didn't have to squeeze me grudgingly into her schedule. That's how she and I got so close and Dad and I so not. After they split up, when I was about 13, I dreaded every other weekend that I spent with him. And the whole time, he was trying to convince me that Mom was the enemy and was always lying to me, when I knew better. Mom would never lie to me. And he doesn't understand now why I want nothing to do with him.

I wish I had kept a journal back then. I didn't start until I was about 17.

It's still interesting to go back and read everything, to remember something in detail that I had forgotten.

I read about my first love, and what was funny - I didn't even know his name at the time. But he turned out to be married. He said something about it being allowed in his religion that he could have multiple wives. He didn't understand why I didn't want to start a relationship, that that belief wasn't shared by myself. One of the comments I made in one of those entries is funny now, back then when I made it I'm sure it didn't seem it: I said that "it feels like my fall into love just slammed me into a concrete floor." Or at least something along those lines.

Also some of the dreams I have read about, they are strange. There were at least five in which I was arrested, and mind you I have never been arrested for anything in my life. Most of them I still haven't figured out, but I have found some interesting recurring images and ideas in them. And the number 12 seems to come up a few times."

I sit quietly for a minute. "Sweetie Pie's still not here yet, she's due late in the day tomorrow. I had already informed the Captain before I made the transport arrangements since it would involve meeting up with another ship at a certain time. He was okay with it." I smile discretely. "Oh, yeah. I had almost forgotten to record this, it happened about a week ago, but I didn't mention it before. It was rather intimidating talking to him face to face in his ready room, usually I am sitting at the helm facing away from him on the bridge. I find it difficult to look some people in the eye, and yet others I find it to be very easy. Let me tell you, Captain Picard has the most beautiful hazel green eyes I have ever seen. When I went to ask him, I happened to look him in the eye, so as a result, I couldn't quite get the question out right, my tongue just tripped over some of the words. Well, he looked back into mine, and for a few seconds that seemed like an eternity, it stayed that way, until I looked away, slightly embarrassed. And, now that I think back, I hope I didn't turn red. I've been known to blush without even realizing or feeling it before. But, oh my god, his eyes, I have never seen anything like them before. I can't stop thinking about it. Or smiling." I grin even wider. (end log)

* * *

Ensign's personal log star date 44219.5

"Well, I have Sweetie Pie with me again. One of the transport ships encountered a slight problem and was delayed, which threw everything else off. I had to rebook one passage. The delay was a few more days than expected, but it all worked out. We were more off course than I expected.

The people on board each ship all took awesome care of her, except the Ferengi. She didn't like them at all, and vice versa. She's a little shaken from the experience overall, but happy to be reunited with me. It's already proving difficult to keep her away from the door, though, but I'm sure I will think of something.

We got her just in time. We were heading to Camus II right after for an archaeological survey, but picked up a distress call and responded to that instead. If she had arrived late for any reason, we couldn't have rendezvoused with the cargo vessel carrying her.

We arrived at Turkana IV in time to watch the ship we had come to rescue, the Arcos, explode. But an escape pod had been released and was on its way to the surface. From what we know of that planet and its inhabitants, those crewman are in serious trouble. It's an Earth colony, but it broke off ties with the Federation and warned that anyone transporting down would be killed. I'll tell you, I didn't envy those people their job who beamed down. But from what they reported back, the people's views seem to have changed over the years. I suppose there would have been no way of knowing; that threat must have kept everyone at bay all this time. The team reported, once they had returned - with a bottle of some kind of whiskey or ale for the Captain no less - that the city is now divided into two main factions: the Coalition and the Alliance. Civilized _sounding _names, sure. But their conduct would suggest quite the opposite - apparently, the Captain's ale was something the Coalition had just stolen from the Alliance before the away team arrived.

The Coalition had requested we provide them with some weapons in return for their assistance, but before we could decide how best to handle this, we received a message from the planet. I don't fully understand yet, but apparently the woman the faction leader introduced us to, Ishara Yar, is the sister of a deceased crew member who used to serve on board. I have heard Tasha's name mentioned a few times, but I hardly really know anything about her, and everyone was skeptical that she was indeed Tasha's sister until a DNA test proved it.

I met her briefly in the corridors, I don't trust her any more than everyone else does. She grew up in a city where distrust and treachery are normal, and I can only guess that she did so without learning the true value of trust, respect, loyalty, honor. I have a bad feeling about this." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's personal log star date 44227.6

"Well, I was right. Ishara had everyone fooled and thus played us for the fools we turned out to be. She played the 'if only I didn't have this implant, I could lead you to your men' card and we all fell for the bait. The implant was removed and we allowed her to lead the way, when really her intention was to disable the Alliance's defenses so her Coalition buddies could swarm in. It's scary to think just how naturally deceit comes to her, I only hope that her time aboard has instilled some sense of honesty and honor in her and she will find a way out of the mess she's in down on that planet.

To a degree, I feel bad for her. I would hate to grow up in a world of negativity as she had. But if she truly wanted to change, she could have refused to do as her superior commanded once her implant had been removed. Then the Captain might have granted her asylum on board and she could have made a change to her way of life and worked to better herself. I, sort of, understand her dilemma, though: if she stayed on board she would have felt guilty for betraying her cadre and leaving the colony. But then at least she would have been free of their repression and been able to live her life the way she wanted to. But I suppose that would be easier said than done. No simpler than my suddenly leaving Starfleet. Of course, Starfleet hasn't been my entire life, but I would feel guilty to just up and leave without a word.

Commander Data seemed the most affected by her betrayal, even if he can't express it. He had spent the most time with Ishara, his having been as close to her sister, Tasha, as I've heard. He even went to the Captain and vouched for her continued stay on board and later appliance for the Academy." (end log)

* * *

Ensign's personal log star date 44234.7

"I think I just figured out the meaning to my dreams, but it's rather disappointing overall. All my early ones involved my being chased by a faceless man; I figured those out about a year ago with the help of a very good friend of mine who is a witch like me, only much more receptive to the spirits around her than I was, and still am. But I think I have, on my own, figured out the meaning of my more recent ones. They are just about all telling me that I need to deal with some 'issues' that I've been repressing. Apparently the help I received in the past wasn't enough and I hadn't resolved them as completely as I had previously thought. My dreams were just so vastly different that I thought there was a different hidden meaning in each, but I guess that these dreams were given to me so diversely because the person or being giving them to me knew it would take me a while to figure them out. So he, or she, needed to keep them so vastly different to keep me interested enough to keep studying them.

From what I gathered, I subconsciously feel like my life is being manipulated, that I have no control over it and that I feel restricted, confined. And I now understand - my underlying 'issues' are holding me back and I won't feel like I have control over my life again until I truly deal with them, face them head on. But I am afraid of what I might find if I delve too deep into myself. That is why my story scares me, it isn't quite getting into that dark matter, but it is getting dangerously, and uncomfortably, close. I am embarrassed by what is in there, in me and my story. I never want anyone reading it.

But that would certainly explain my recent moods lately. I love what I do, don't get me wrong, but lately I've been feeling more and more like - I just don't care. I dread my on duty time, but then I dread my off duty time too. I can't win. But I don't want everyone knowing, so I constantly put on a happy face. The only thing I look forward to, the only ray of sunshine in my day is when I get to work with Captain Picard. I am constantly watching him from afar, afraid of what he and everyone else would think if they knew how I feel. I am always afraid of making a mistake when I'm around him, or making him mad or - worst of all - disappointing him. He is so much older than me, but - honestly - I don't care. Age is just a number, after all. But what if that difference is a problem for him?" I sit, lost in thought for a moment. "But then again, what does it really matter? He would never be interested in someone like me, anyway." (end log)


End file.
